Prompt2

Collin Bertram
Professor Steven D. Krause
English 328: Writing, Style, and Technology
July-15-2004

In its programs, activities and employment, Eastern Michigan University does not discriminate on the basis of physical or other disabilities. Anyone who believes that in some respect Eastern Michigan University is not in compliance with the Rehabilitation Act and its regulations should contact the executive director of Human Resources. Prospective students with disabilities who are otherwise qualified for admission are invited to apply. Students encountering difficulty with access to full participation in University activities should contact the dean of students.

Eastern Michigan University does not discriminate on the basis of physical or other disabilities in its programs, activities, or employment. So, Eastern Michigan University invites students with disabilities that qualify for admission to apply. But, if anyone believes that Eastern Michigan University has not complied with the Rehabilitation Act’s regulations they should contact the executive director of Human Resources. Students should contact the dean of students if they can’t fully participate in activities that the University hasn’t made accessible to them.

These two paragraphs say the same thing, but one of them is hard to understand. I left the first paragraph alone; it is exactly the way it appears in the EMU catalogue. I changed every sentence according to Joseph M. Williams’s rules in Style: Toward Clarity and Grace. The first sentence had the subject and the verb in the wrong place. In Williams’s book, chapter two says to put the subject first, the verb after the subject and the compliment last. I made the sentence clearer by; it is easy to see who the characters are and what they are doing. The second sentence and the third sentence were misplaced; they were out of order. Williams’s chapter on coherence explains why the order must change: whoever wrote the first paragraph broke the thematic string. The thematic string means the flow. The paragraph flows better when I switch the two sentences. My third sentence makes it seem like Eastern Michigan University is responsible; their second sentence dodges responsibility. Williams’s chapter on Emphasis explains how emphasis can be manipulated. The catalogue’s second and fourth sentence contained nominalizations. I changed those nominalizations into verbs. This makes them clearer sentences. Williams talks about nominalizations in chapter two. Overall, I gave the University some responsibility, and I made the paragraph less turgid.